Thursday, 11 April 2013


                The mathematicians say that 1+1=2. The Mars Venus theory says 1+1=1. The basic concept being that two hearts that share the same emotion beat as one. Merging two hearts is never as easy as it looks. As they say, easier said than done! The ease with which you can merge your girlfriend's heart beat into your depends, somewhat on a lot of factors, one of which I believe is the orientation her heart has had already, or what I call the ''daddy issues''. Basically, the kind of relationship she probably had with her dad as she was growing up. These things I am about to talk about, I believe, go a long way to shape her perceptions about the male species in general. What I plan on doing is to tell you the issue, what it entails, what it results in and the remedy for it! As the sailors would say, ''ALL ABOARD!''
·         DADDY ISSUE: ''Daddy died when I was young''
MEANING: Whether he died before she was born or while she was growing up, the basic concept is she lacked his care, support and emotional connection at some point in her life.
RESULT: What this causes is that she adopts a defensive approach to love. This primarily because she wants to avoid falling too deep in love and having to deal with grief, should something happen to you. She does not want a deja vous scenrio.
REMEDY: Reassure her a lot, she needs it in order to open up to you. It does not mean that if you reassure her and do not open up yourself, she will. Couple reassurance with opening up yourself. As you do so and she gradually learns to open up to you, you can then help her get over the pain of loss or absence.
·         DADDY ISSUE: ''Daddy was never there for me''
MEANING: What this means is that her dad was around, but there was never an emotional connection. I call him the emotionally absent father.
RESULT: What this does is that it builds up in her sub-conscious. She will most likely accept this behaviour as the norm and most likely end up with such a man; or expect her man to act in the same way. In effect, she will put up self defence mechanisms, to counter this ''insensitivity'' she expects,....but not if you can help it!
REMEDY: Orientation. She needs it, and a lot of it! You need to teach, or rather show her that men have a lot more to them than what she thinks or expects! And most importantly, that she deserves a sensitive man, such as yourself.

·         DADDY ISSUE: ''Daddy did not cater for my needs''
MEANING: This could possibly mean her dad did what we call ''the hit and run'' or stuck around, but never took care of her, or her needs. She basically grew up watching her mother toil to cater for her needs.
RESULT: What this does is that it either causes her to have what i call ''abandonment issues'', that is, she develops this fear of being abandoned by her man or she evolves into this ''independent woman who does not need a man in her life'', what i call the ''self sufficiency syndrome''.
REMEDY: In the first case of abandonment issues, the best solution is reassurance for this calms her fears. Once you are able to do this, she opening up to you becomes easier and helping her get over the pain becomes relatively easier. But in the case of the latter, patience and understanding will. It is tempting to react to her sufficiency with your ego, but that would only worsen the case. Remeber you fight fire with water; as such she needs a man who will be sensitive and patient with her, but not run over by her.
·         DADDY ISSUE: ''Daddy did not treat mummy right''
MEANING: Basically, her father was around, but he did not treat her mother like she deserved. This ranges from beating her mother, cheating on her or verbally abusing her a lot.
RESULT: What this does is causes her to have issues with trust and she develops a fear of commitment. Watching your mother cry or be sad because the man she loves does not treat her right is no easy thing. It triggers reactions of mistrust and a fear of commitment. She will always do her best to avoid being emotionally vulnerable to you because she does not want to be treated the same way her mother was treated.
REMEDY: Reassurance and a lot of pampering should do the trick!
·         DADDY ISSUE: ''Daddy was the best''
MEANING: Her father was the best man ever. Basically, he did all that the above fathers did not do.
RESULT: She evolves into a perfectionist who wants her man to be just like her dad. She seeks to find a man who would be just like him, so if you aren't, she is practically never going to be happy, talk of appreciative!
REMEDY: She needs orientation. She needs to know that you and her dad are two very different people. Her dad had his own way of making her mother feel loved, and so do you have your own way of making her happy! And be patient with her because one of the most difficult things to do is changing a perception that has been formed for years

Monday, 19 November 2012

                                Let's try something different this time around shall we? Contrary to the usual format, let do this: I explore the two sides of the coin and leave you to the tossing... Shall we proceed?
                                It is without a doubt that the whole ''chasing'' and 'keeping'' phase of dating has it's pros and cons, notable among which is the ''stretch or not to stretch'' dilema. Search every nook and cranny and you will find that this is common to all to be couples mainly. So you must be wondering what Stretching is? I say it is the term given to the process whereby a lady(in most cases) practically makes a man work endlessly and tirelessly to prove his undying love for her before he gets the nod for a relationship with her. The length and intensity however  differ from lady to lady. Let's take it first from the lady's point of view:
·         ''Man will not appreciate something that he did not or does not work for''. This school of thought stems from the ideology that humans basically tend not to appreciate something they have not ''laboured'' for, so to say. Hence, she believes if she makes him labour before he finally gets her, then he would appreciate her when he finally has her and consequently work as hard to keep her.
·         ''Time and trials are the ultimate test of love''. The basic principle underlying this is that anything that stands the test of time and trials is genuine. Simply put, if she puts his love through the test of time and trials, and it stands this, then his love is genuine and  she can trust him with her heart. Another reason being that once he stuck around during that time it is an indication that he is in for the long haul.
                                Let's take it now from the guy's point of view:
·         ''Self actualisation = satisfaction and complacency''. The general principle backing  this is when one works extremely hard to get something and the person finally gets it,  it leaves a sense of satisfaction and consequently complacency; afterall what more is there after achieving the ultimate? Hence what happens is after he has moved heaven and earth to get her, he most likely would not move the same heaven and earth to keep her.
·         ''Time and tide waits for no man''...or in this case, ''time and tide waits for no woman''. Naturally, when one tries plan A and it does not seem to be yielding the results expected, one tries plan B or starts considering other options. So basically ''stretch''  him for too long; or test his love for too long and he would just start considering other options. After all you aren't the only woman available are you?
                                So here are the two side of the coin. What do you think? TO STRETCH OR NOT TO STRETCH? I'd love to hear what you think!.. :)
                                                                                                                                                                VANESSA SANGARI